


close your eyes, it's just a bad dream.

by daysgoby



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 15:23:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2433608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daysgoby/pseuds/daysgoby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey felt sick and numb and he figured that this is what love must feel like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	close your eyes, it's just a bad dream.

Even when Mickey was a kid there was rumors about him.  
  
  
How he was rude, dirty and dangerous. How all the Milkoviches were a bunch of violent white trash.  
  
  
When Mickey was in middle school the rumors spread like wildfire. Alone in the playground, sitting in a corner and watching the other kids playing and laughing, Mickey told himself he didn't care.  
  
  
\---  
  
  
It became easier not to care over the years. Especially when his brothers finally dragged him along their runs and didn't fight him as much as they used to. After all he was thirteen and grown up now, not some childish little punk that would rat them out on their shit.  
  
  
At thirteen was also the first time he realized what 'fag-bashing' really meant. It wasn't some crude joke his dad made or offensive name-calling his brothers screamed out on the streets. It was pain.  
  
  
Mickey always had these thoughts. About boys and stuff. He never cared about girls and didn't really get what was so special about them. The only girl he found remotely pretty was his sister but he figured that was because she was his ray of light in the darkness that surrounded him.  
  
  
So when his dad and his uncle laughed and hit and kicked the two guys that had been holding hands just a few minutes before, Mickey got scared. He got scared because when he fell asleep he didn't dream about holding a girl's hand.  
  
  
When it was over he watched his dad and uncle walk away before he stumbled behind a dumpster grasping for air, tears burning behind his eyelids and this feeling of darkness wrapping it closer his heart.  
  
  
\---  
  
  
Mickey made an effort after that to try, to try to be normal and not being such a fucking fag. After all family was all he got and losing them for being a fairy wasn't worth it.  
  
  
He didn't try to approach the girls at school or some shit like that though, he wasn't stupid. He knew he wasn't what you could call a catch and he wasn't romantic either. They wouldn't he interested in him. So he went for girls like Angie Zago and chicks he met when he hanged out with his brothers. He made out with them, got blow jobs and even fucked them.  
  
  
His brothers cheered and called him a typical ladies man and his dad gave him beers. And that kind of made it okay. He didn't like doing it but he liked being close to his family, and Mickey told himself that it was all that mattered.  
  
  
\---  
  
  
When he was fourteen he met Chrystal.  
  
  
She was Mandy's friend and they always talked too loud and wouldn't stay out of his business. Mandy said it was because Chris thought he was cute, like that explained everything.  
  
  
Mickey tried to ignore her, even tried to fuck her just to get her off his case. But she always came back to him which put Mickey in an awkward place 'cause no-ones ever done that. Been around him just 'cause they felt like it. Like they enjoyed his company or some shit like that.  
  
  
Mickey thought she was weird as fuck and Mandy was grossed out by the whole thing.  
  
  
\---  
  
  
When Mickey was fifteen he started to get tired of pretending, at least with Chris.  
  
  
He felt oddly guilty that he couldn't give her what she wanted. He couldn't be what she wanted him to be like, it wasn't satisfying to fuck her and no matter what he did, in the end her feelings got hurt.  
  
  
He also couldn't help to notice how she didn't smile as much as she used to, how her and Mandy always huddled together, seeking comfort for some reason he couldn't figure out.  
  
  
He noticed the way she flinched whenever someone bumped into her or got to close. He noticed the bruises and he noticed the tears after they had sex. He noticed how she never wanted to go home and how her kisses felt more like punches than butterflies.  
  
  
Mickey felt sick and numb and he figured that this is what love must feel like.  
  
  
\---  
  
  
When he was fifteen he had come home after drinking under the L with Joey and Iggy and their chicks, to find Chris buried under the covers in his bed.  
  
  
Her brown hair was in knots and had leaves in there. Her hazel eyes was bloodshot and desperate. Half of her face was covered in a nasty yellow green bruise and her clothes was torn with bloodstains on them.  
  
  
Mickey thought she looked like a beautiful disaster and he thought that maybe, maybe he could learn to love her like she needed.  
  
  
That night she told him. She told him about her little secret she had with her dad, about how she wanted it to stop and how much it hurt. How he didn't stop even though she begged him to. How afterwards she just laid there staring up in the ceiling while she waited for him to drag himself off her and how she cries herself to sleep while thinking about her mom. How her mom always told her to close her eyes, 'cause it's just a bad dream baby girl.  
  
  
Mickey would deny it if you asked him but after Chris fell asleep in his arm, he didn't give a fuck about Milkovich pride and how only fags would cry, because he couldn't stop it even if he tried.  
  
  
\---  
  
  
Chris was the first, the only person, he told.  
  
  
He trusted her and she trusted him.  
  
  
And when Mickey told her she didn't start to scream at him or hit him, she smiled and gave her a beer, asking him stupid questions about which dude in N'sync was the hottest and if he ever had a sex dream about Brad Pitt.  
  
  
They got high and for the first time in a year Chris smiled and her eyes sparkled, and she laughed so hard she made pig sounds. It felt normal and he fucking craved it so much. She was his best friend, not counting Mandy because she was his fucking sister and he wasn't that pathetic, and he needed her.  
  
  
So they got high a lot, big deal. This was the South side, everyone did drugs.  
  
  
It was nice because when they got fucked up nothing mattered. He wasn't gay and she wasn't a victim, they were just Mickey and Chris. And it was easy, they could just snort some coke or take a pill and everything was alright.  
  
  
And when the high backfired they would hold each other and she would whisper, always, "close your eyes, it's just a bad dream".  
  
  
\---  
  
  
When he was sixteen he lost his best friend.  
  
  
Mandy was the one to tell him, that Chris was found in the bathroom and that she had taken to much. To much of the good stuff, the stuff they where supposed to share later that night.  
  
  
It felt like the world was crashing down and he couldn't stand up, gravity betraying him. He knew Mandy was talking with him, asking if he was okay but all he could hear was Chris' broken voice on repeat, mocking him.  
  
  
"Close your eyes Mick, it's just a bad dream."  
  
  
\---  
  
  
When Mickey was seventeen he met Ian Gallagher.  
  
  
And all Mickey could see was Chris sparkling eyes and a smile that would light up his darkness.  
  
  
It wasn't perfect and Gallagher wasn't her, but he couldn't keep away. He wasn't numb anymore, felt more emotions than he wanted and the sick feeling turned into butterflies.  
  
  
Mickey couldn't help to compare when he looked over at Ian; seeing the blood dry on his skin, bruises forming on his face and watching him hold his ribs as if they where broken and still smiling. He didn't even look afraid.  
  
  
Ian leaned over and kissed the top of Mickey's head, and he figured this is what being loved must feel like. 


End file.
